Crazy Randomly Beautiful

new music: song nerd

I am a music nerd. I love a wide variety of music. If it's got a riff I can sink my teeth into I will worry it like a dog on a bone until it's in shreds. The challenge with living in Europe is that all the Germany stations, including our military 'english' network all re-riff the current 'top 40' tunes until they died a painful death. My one rare exception is when the Canad.an Forces Netw*rk releases new tunes without the same restrictions. It is still rare but I have become in love with Canadian radio.

That being all said. Nothing drives me crazier than when I get a tune stuck in my head and can't for the life of me find it. I heard a snippet of a song yesterday that sounded almost like a Steven Tyler bit. The line I kept hearing was 'that girl is lonely.' Google was a big fruitless waste. For hours I dug through 'top everything' lists. I listened to clip after clip in painful circles. Then I crashed for some sleep.

This morning after searching the Canadian list in a last ditch effort I found it! After all that work it is a requisite that I share. Behold, 'Red Hands' by Walk Off the Earth.

 

sorta popular on Pin.terest

It's not all moaning, sadness and adoption around these parts. In fact with the exception of sad moments and melancholy it's generally quite chipper and distractable. We explore, play video games, yell at the Top Chef Master Sous Chefs on tv and cause havoc. I spend time on Pinterest and in Azeroth. He shoots zombies and builds up his village in Clash of the Clans. We know how to party like it's 1979.

In the Pinterst world I've picked up a few new favorite recipes that I find to be the bomb-diggity. I nailed them so hard they are 9-months pregnant and begging for more. Too much? Not by a long shot.

The Low-Cal Fruit Slushy.  (I drink a glass of this daily as my snack. Great way to get your fruit servings in for the day). 

Concept: Diet 7-up + Fresh Berries + Ice = Low cal, hearty fruit slushy.

My Version: Blend one can of Diet Clear Soda (7-up, Sprite, etc), one small bag of mixed frozen berries and optional splash of citrus (lemon or lime). Makes two mason jars worth of smoothies. Will hold in the fridge for 24 hours with minimal separation. Stir and drink. The frozen berries work easier than ice and is cheaper and lasts longer in my home than fresh berries.

Optional mixes I love: frozen strawberries + lemon + sugar, frozen strawberries + frozen blueberries + lemon, frozen strawberries + 2 fresh bananas.

Also noted: we buy our lemon and lime juice in those plastic bottles. I don't have the time or patience or money to fresh squeeze citrus at the rate we go through it.

Other people are doing it.

 

The Roast Beef Pepper Sandwich. Found this one courtesy of Pioneer Woman. She calls them 'Philly Cheesteaks.'

Concept: Thinly shredded Roast Beef cooked until hot, topped with pan sauteed onions, peppers and cheese sauce on a hoagie roll. [recipe/source]

My Version/Tips: 1. Buy the roast beef at the deli counter. Have them slice it super thin. It cuts cooking time to like 5 minutes and it's already mostly shredded out of the gate.

2. Buy sliced provolone cheese instead of cheese sauce. (Velveeta is good but no one needs 80 calories per ounce on a delicious sandwich. Who really stops at an ounce? It's sooo goood. Must eat the brick.) You can throw your built sandwich, cheese slice on top, into the microwave, broiler or toaster oven and it'll melt in a hot second.

3. Top with spicy ranch dressing as your sauce. A little goes a long way and it is darn good.

4. The leftovers are amazing. We had it for dinner one night and I think I had 3 lunches worth of leftovers. We can't get a good hoagie bun here so I had them on Hawaiin Roll sandwich 'loafs.'

 

 

adoption: the rejection curve

Part of the taxing process in foster-adopting or adoption placement through the foster system is the Rejection Curve. That may not be the technical term but that is what I will call it. The Rejection Curve is like the adoption stage of failed placements, futile matches and the endless string of 'maybe's', 'not-sures' and 'we will review your homestudy and 95% reject you due to our disregard for your overseas station.'  I'm sure there are other reasons but this is what we face.

Last week we hit our 9-month mark since we started this foster-adoption process. At the same mark we got an e-mail from our caseworker, two weeks prior to a scheduled placement-phone call between ourselves and another family, to notify us that the child in question had been placed for adoption with a previous foster family who had come forward. It's a bittersweet moment. You want the child, in this case a 10-year-old with attachment needs, to go to a family they are bonded with. You are happy for the child. You are also sad. You are sad because after 9-months or practically a 'full-term' in normal pregnancy time you are at a loss. The room you had been cautiously thinking about is now empty again. It is back to a blank slate. The school supply list can be set aside. Some sponsorship questions can be put on pause. It's kind of like the paper pregnancy version of a miscarriage in the heart. After 13 years of trying, 2 hard years of fertility treatments and the improper advice that it wouldn't take quite as long since we were willing to adopt older children and sibling sets, it was a letdown.

It seems like the process has taught us to compromise. For decades I thought we could have children. Multiple children. With the ease of other moms popping them out like skittles. I slowly adjusted my view to just wanting one healthy baby. I was content to have 9 months of a horrible pregnancy if that was/is the cost. After the treatments and the mood swings and the instability it was causing our marriage we shifted our views to infant adoptions. After the costs and pros and the cons and the reality check we shifted our thoughts towards a broader age range and older child adoption placements. Now I feel lost. He and our friends are secure that in 'God's time' it will work. Which deep down I believe. Just in all honesty I feel lost and that isn't a direction I do often.

It was mentioned in a conversation that if a pregnant woman was 2 months overdue they would be considered 'cute' in their exhaustion and fat belliness. She would be glowing. When it's been 10 months or 2 years and you look haggard and bitchy it isn't taken into account that you are showing the wear and tear of adoption pregnancy.

Understand I am not naive. I know perfectly well the hardships my friends have faced in adopting infants. The $25-45k price tags. The years of waiting and often multiple letdowns before a 3 day notice and a baby. The hardships of those fostering before adopting and getting placed with legal risk children for years before the children are removed from their home and returned to parental custody. The pain and failed attempts at IVF and egg adoption and miscarriages. It all sucks. It is all a mess.

This is our story. The thought that after hundreds of applications and repeatedly reviewing dozens of foster-adotion listing websites and the polite rejections again and again and the profile inquiries for the severely damaged children that we aren't the right home for, we are tired. I know it has just begun. It just seemed after alll of the rejections C could be the kid. He had some issues and we would have a huge learning curve, but it could work. And it didn't.

So the story continues.

My one plea. My one dream is to find a Juno. C'mon, I am from Oregon. I know the statistics. The average age for a methhead mom is 12-to-14 years-old. I worked for the media for over 5 years and I know the statistics are getting worse. I know it is a horrible statistic. The reality is there are wonderful parents like us who would glady embrace your baby if you really feel like you are not in any position to do so. We would share their lives with your parents and the babies relatives. We would give them a loving permanent home. It shouldn't have to cost half of a mortgage. It shouldn't have to be so difficult. Homeless and parentless children everywhere and this is the craziness we face.

he fixed it

So I would like to say that with little fanfare and with no more ado he fixed the internet. He, that husband of mine. It isn't a completely untrue statement. I had dismantled the modem, router, vonage connection and myriad of lan cables and power chords for a time out while we attended a birthday party. Upon our return while I was debating the best plan of attack for seducing my husband he decided to poke the internet with a stick. I instantly flipped from saucy to 'just shoot it with a stick and leave it be!' He, of course, being in his 'fix-it' box didn't mind me, from a floor above him, and just set about calmy putting all the wires back into the same condition I had put them in and unplugged them from hours ago. He than quietly comments 'it's fixed.'

I was flummoxed, angry and acted a bit like a toddler. The tantrum was bairly contained and epic all the same time. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't angry at him. It was just all the pent of anger, frustration and total mind block I had over the past few weeks. They were like a knotty ball of yarn. I had repeatedly visited the internet shop, made phones, google'd until my eyes, translated and retranslated, connected and unconnected chords until it wouldn't leave me be. It was constantly on the back of my mind disturbing my sleep on top of my surgery recovery and the ever pressing muggy hot German summer. I had practically convinced myself it would NEVER.BE.FIXED. The emotions just kept oozing out like a burned pot. It couldn't escape me in any kind of organized fashion.

Of course I apologized. He couldn't even begin to wrap his head around my inter-rage. He was calmly flummoxed. His poor eyes could bairly stay opened between the crazy-ness of the day and the hour and I'm like a broken record. "It just! ... You just!!! ... I wanted to be the hero! ... I had done that exact same thing just earlier! ... muaghriuoghr! ... "

I calmed down. Sunday we were almost laughing about it. The refreshing ability to look twice at the router without it blinking back to 'offline.' My casual disregard in being able to cancel the appointment I had for Monday to let the partnershop rep to be tech help. He had offered to take all the pieces and make it work for me. I had called him Friday, when I was sicker than a dog and flat on my back on the bedroom floor. About 36 hours before the magic fix.

Husbands. Fixers of things at random times. Stress relievers and steak bakers.

open letter to internet company

Dear Sirs,

First off let me congratulate you on a job well done. Not only have you confused me entirely somehow you have left my household with a myriad of problems that hadn't existed prior to the 'surprise' modem we received on Sunday.

The following things have been google'd/asked of tech without any successful fixes due to the majority of the company tech teams speaking only German with a customer service base of close to 30,000 Americans.

 

1. Why doesn't my D-Link router recognize the Hintron modem?
2. Why do we have to bridge the modem?
3. Why isn't just plug and play?
4. Why does the direct LAN connected SONY VAIO show the PC has having full internet access but it will only load YouTube and a select few websites and it will lose connect when pinging Google and won't update the Kaspersky virus protection updates or software or website?
5. Why do the other hardlined and wi-fi devices pickup the internet without ease or problems?
6. Why does my D-Link router show "offline" yet all the wi-fi enabled devices show 5 strong bars and 16-32 k connection speeds at the speedtest site?
7. Why is the advice we recieve amount to rebooting the SONY VAIO desktop from scratch instead of replacing the modem? The PC worked prior with the old modem without too many problmes? And the SONY VAIO laptop has been working with the wi-fi without any complications.
8. Why should I have to mess with the directory code on any of the computers to recognize the new modem when it really should be a plug-n-play?
9. Why is it so difficult to get English speaking tech support?
10. Why can't we just replace the MODEM and try again to show it really is the modem?

 

This is not how I appreciate spending the last few days of my sick leave. Get your shit together please.

My attitude is frustration because I wasn't under the impression that it would be plug-n-play easy and our speed would increase.

My husband's attitude is anger after spending hours on the phone walking in circles with Sony after the co-worker did the same with the cable company and both sources can't see the problem that we were facing. Sony couldn't even remotely access the computer to trouble shoot it.

My mother-in-law's attitude is sheer pessimism. (Of course it's broken. Things are never as easy as it seems. It will be broken forever. I should just resign myself to never playing wow AGAIN. It is totally the computers problem. wahwahwah charliebrownsmom.)

 

Frustratingly  yours,

An American Customer living in Germany

 

 

 

bouncing baby Fred

I feel like I am starting a trend. It's called Summer Surgery! Last summer was the great bunionectomy adventure. It involved multiple casts, braces, crutches and a walking boot. I learned I can crawl up 3 flights of stairs quite agiley when necessary. I learned how to cook on one leg and use a wheelchair to the best of my advantage. I learned that the pain as a 32 year-old is so much worse than the surgery I had at 16. I learned that some drugs are my friends and some drugs are useless.

This summer, not be outdone, my right thyroid decided to sporadically explode into an egg-like shape without rhyme, reason, hyper or hypothyroidism. 'Cause I'm cool like that. So July 3rd I had the pleasure of having it removed and spending the night at the hospital I work at. I am having far more fun with the scar than probably warranted. Before he was pulled we had nicknamed my goiter Fred. He was too blame for everything! If it snowed, rained, crazy traffic, crazy neighbors, broke a glass didn't matter! Now that's post-op my nephews keep teasing me that I'm going to die!!! (Which I'm not.) We decided to make a game of it. Now when I'm asked what happened I wanted to give a different story each time. The cat did it. A guitar string got out of control. I was bit by a shark (in a landlocked village.) My younger nephew is blaming pirates.

Isn't it fun to be me?

 

 

adoption: the patience game

There comes a stage in the adoption process when you feel like you are walking in a redundant circle. It's the child matching or child selection stage. And that is where we are.

For the last 10 weeks we have been scouring the adoption exchange sites all over the US including our first priority on the easy access and best feedback and adoptuskids.org and many other different state adoption exchange sites. It's been feeling like a failed attempt at craigslis.t. Again and again you look at a myriad of children's photos and ages and clean biographies and you send out 'inquiries.' For about 85% we have been getting a standard 'you have not been selected for this child(ren).' That could be from the states not used to working with the military to the agencies finding another family or the agency or state preferring to keep the child in the same city/county/state that they currently reside. The majority of the the other 15% have been sad and tragic situations that if we were in a different situation in life we would snatch them up in a heartbeat. Which isn't the same as finding that one kid or pair of kids that scream This One. This One has issues we could work with. This One could be a really good fit. With This One we could give him/her the best environment to be able to work through their issues of neglect, abuse, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, ADD, PTSD.

It's a lengthy process. Even with knowing that we may have to troll hundreds of inquiries before we get what could be a good match that doesn't help at times. Can you imagine being a married couple and being told you will have to have sex hundreds of times before you may have a chance to get pregnant? (From a girl who's been trying to get pregnant for 13 years I do know how it feels.)

Last night, for example, we got to experience the stage after the home study review. It's the stage where the agency actually thinks we could be the right family and we get to talk to them. It was only our third actual phone conversation with our agency about a possible match, after applying for nearly 100 children or sibling sets.  It's difficult. We got to hear his life story of the past nine years along with his parental and sibling situations. He was the first out of the three that actually looked like someone we could help and meet his needs without feeling like we are screwing him up further. I have doubts like any new parents. Doubts about bringing the wrong child into the house and failing them completely. The other two, for example, had horrific stories of abuse, neglect and anger management. They were two of many that I would love to save, but we have to remember that we can't save them all and we really have do what's best when it comes down to saving them.

Yesterday was a good example of intimacy. We got a candid picture from birth through January of a very possible match. We have been selected as one of the two couples the state feels could be a great match. This state, Kentucky, only contacts families after they have reviewed all the homestudies and pick who they think are potential adoptive parents. It was incredible to think about it. It's exciting to think about. Yet, we have to temper it down. We can't let ourselves move to the next stage of excitement and prep until we know that we are the only matching parents. If we get our hopes set and the other family is the go-to family than we have to start all over again. After the phone call I didn't want to spread the news. I didn't want to hype everyone up and then have to burst their bubble if we have a child-matching-miscarriage. I don't put the details on FB for that same reason. It feels very private. I almost don't even want to tell the mother-in-law or family until we know more and can be more certain. They will all make great aunts, uncles, sibs, cousins and grandparents. None of that is a debate. It's the fact that we are building our family. It's the equivalent of a pregnant couple just wanting to delve into what their dynamic family household could be, without someone else trying to shape it or make decisions for them. You don't want other peoples opinions of what your child will think/feel/be like. You, as their new parents and as a new parent in general, want to figure it out on your own. Regardless of all the unsolicited help all future parents get, they all have to figure it out as they go.

It's a very intimate situation. We have opened up and shared with our family and friends that we are going through the process. We have heard and appreciated all the platitudes and blessings and love. We feel blessed to have such a great support system. That being said, at times I don't want to share. I don't want to repeat our current status for the upteempth time. The reality is most people mean well but only hear about 10% of the details and forget in an instance. They are so eager for us to be able to bring a child home RIGHT NOW and can't really understand that it doesn't work quite that way. It's hard to remind them that even though our approved homestudy may look brilliant and they think we would make wonderful parents doesn't mean the caseworkers want to place these kids in no-children households with virtually no experience working with traumatized children.It can seem very unfair and yet necessary when you look down to.

So that is where we are. The picking, picking, picking stage. The wait-and-see stage. Almost like the almost pregnant stage of waiting to see that Yes! The Line Is Blue! stage. Almost at the looking at plane tickets and finishing decorating the room and having a family-shower stage. So close and yet not quite there.

For those of you sharing in this adventure I leave you with this brilliant article a friend sent me on FB. It pretty much sums up a lot of our mindset as to how we have to shift our thinking in the future as we look at healthy boundaries, simple household changes (like hiding the liquor), chore charts and structure. Supporting Families: After the Airport by Jen Hatmaker. Her article beautifully described how to help out the new families like us. How to be supportive and understand that sometimes we have to isolate to protect and adapt to our new family.

After reading the excerpt from the FB article I couldn't have said it better myself:

Here’s one last thing: As you watch us struggle and celebrate and cry and flail, we also want you to know that adoption is beautiful, and a thousand times we’ve looked at each other and said, “What if we would’ve said no?” God invited us into something monumental and lovely, and we would’ve missed endless moments of glory had we walked away. We need you during these difficult months of waiting and transitioning, but we also hope you see that we serve a faithful God who heals and actually sets the lonely in families, just like He said He would. And even through the tears and tantrums (ours), we look at our children and marvel that God counted us worthy to raise them. We are humbled. We’ve been gifted with a very holy task, and when you help us rise to the occasion, you have an inheritance in their story; your name will be counted in their legacy.

 

 

 

and it continues

The cat and I remain mesmerized.

room with a different view

Went to an early morning appointment to the sound of a chain saw. Two hours later I see the back hedgerow to our row houses, fence and tree branches in a disarray in the yard and watched the cherry tree get taken down.
The purpose is to level our little yards and put in a higher retaining wall. The extra yard space will be nice for the neighbors four kids. The lack of privacy from our missing hedge and lack of shade of our missing cherry tree makes me sad.
And not to beat a dead and done horse but a little notification would have been nice. Half of our block was out of town and the same half were caught unaware.

wherever am i off too with that brain of mine

I am such a feast and famine thing about stuff like crocheting, blogging, emailing friends, playing World of Warcraft and exercise. I balance about two or three of those plates any given day all while walking the kitty-labyrinth and having AdoptionBrain. 

I find myself continually putting to-do lists on my phone and papers and church programs and work notepads. Some vary and some differ. I lose my complete train of thoughts and derail like a rabid monkey sometimes. Other times I just find myself staring at the cursor ...

...

...

...

you too?

My ABrain bears a striking resemblance to pregnancy brain sometimes. This weeks thought: we are going to be New Parents! It's funny for all the talk of selecting and bringing home young school aged kids and fingering out how to hit the ground running with them at a completely different pace than infants I just hadn't focused on that. It's homestudies and when to tell the family and when to actually, if ever, put it on FB. The basic reason why adjusting will be so hard. The basic reason while I will have to take a small sabbatical from work while I have kids at home and negotiating school schedules for the First.Time.Ever. We won't just be parents we will be New Parents. So the millions of bits we have to put together and not forget to ensure that homework is tracked and boundaries are set and they are eating regularly is on top of us just getting to know them. Getting us all through the 6-month temp stage before they are officially our children and no just our wards. New Parents. 

So. Big thoughts. Little brain. 

 

P.S. My favorite old wives tale was thrown at me today from an acquaintance who was parked in the ER waiting to see a physician. She is also 7 weeks along with her 5th child. "Oh so you are actually mid process of adopting? You know what that means right? You will totally get pregnant!"

Responses that I've been gathering for future generous donaters of that line. I am under no delusion that it will be the last time I will hear it. Nope, wasn't the first either.

• Does that mean if someone lose 80lbs by having their gall bladder removed that it is the new it-diet?
• Does that mean that if one mom glows and looks younger with each additional child past three that all moms should keep populating as a cure for aging?
• I bet I just haven't prayed enough. That must be it.
• Should I also slather baking soda lemon juice paste on my face and than go lick a flagpole to fix my acne since it was successful on Pinterest?
• Will I also get pregnant with a boy if I have sex upside down?

 

If I had a quarter for every overused under-thought old wives tales/platitudes I've heard or narrowminded comments this adoption would be FREE.